A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

[Zee 0]

~~~ I'm (Still) Stuck With the Kids! ~~~

- A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

 

(This is purported to be a true story, from HR Block's files.)

 

 

Dear Sirs,

 

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the

three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.

I have questioned whether these are my children for years. They are

evil and expensive.

 

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility

that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these

waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next

year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate

the deduction. This year they are yours!

 

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her. I

suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer

people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal

training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other

subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is

going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be

responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in

mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the

immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds

to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen

also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of

the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to

occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence. This is always

uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the

future.

 

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are

a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner

himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I

was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was

bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the

future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to

Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is

purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to

deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few

days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of

filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and his

friends have raging hormones. This is a house of testosterone and it

will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave

any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,

inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find

telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out

the 900 and 976 numbers])

 

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared

quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going

on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed

clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.

Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of

her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the

schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the

amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that

we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise

this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most

people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of

valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I

don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll

her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She

wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced

four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me

but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to

get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be

easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made

of.

 

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get

to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest,

I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free. If you

take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before

Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't

feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let

me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already

increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional

tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

 

Yours Truly,

"Bob"

 

Note: The taxpayer in question was allowed the deductions.