Possible Exam Questions

[Christopher 1,393]

Due to the high population of dumbasses these days, we may consider testing to weed out dumbasses that attempt to join the Team of Weapons And Tactics. The following questions (which have been categorized for your convenience) are questions that were thought of to appear on the entrance examination, but some have been scrapped. You may wish to look over these and study them for fun. After all, who doesn't like to study?

 

 

 

 

Computer Science

 

Write a fifth-generation computer langugae. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

 

 

History

 

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

 

 

Electrical Engineering

 

You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

 

 

Pre-Med

 

You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

 

 

Public Speaking

 

Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latrin, Hebrew, or Greek.

 

 

Biology

 

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

 

 

Civil Engineering

 

This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of citric acid.

 

 

Music

 

Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

 

 

Psychology

 

 

Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

 

 

Chemistry

 

You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

 

 

Sociology

 

Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

 

 

Mechanical Engineering

 

The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.

 

 

Economics

 

Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression.

 

Mathematics

 

Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

 

 

Political Science

 

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

 

 

Religion

 

Perform a miracle.

 

 

Art

 

Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

 

 

Physics

 

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

 

 

Metaphysics

 

Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

 

 

Philosophy

 

Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its

significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of

thought.

 

 

General Knowledge

 

Describe in detail.

 

 

Extra Credit

 

Define the universe, and give three examples. Creativity will be judged. Be specific.

 

[raiderfo 0]

Civil engineering might come off as a trick question. I mean... Really? Citric acid? We're going to kill them with orange juice? If they do take it literally, chances are they'll just use the toothpicks as makeshift weapons to fight their way out of the testing room, resulting in very many small yet painful stab wounds.

 

 

 

Chemistry is also a trick question. If you've already been injected with the poison that will kill you instantly, then you won't be able to choose between the two beakers. I think most of the applicants would just stab the professor with the syringe instead.

 

 

 

Sociology is as simple as people being uncomfortable with death. It's likely that during the end of the world people would go bat-shit insane and start killing sprees with whatever sharp objects are nearby in an attempt to cope with the impending doom. Chances are that in an attempt to construct the experiment, applicants will just stab people who have problems with the end of the world, and record the reactions.

 

 

 

Metaphysics is impossible, since they would need to test life after death, it's likely they'd just pull someone from the streets, stab them, and wait to see if Jesus walks into the room.

 

 

 

Philosophy is also impossible, since thoughts aren't tangible things, and you can't sketch the development of an intangible thing. If you did, it would be very open to opinions, and it's likely people would just draw what they're thinking about, leading to applications covered in drawings of dinosaurs and Alan Wake as a banana.

 

 

 

Economics is too easy. I can tell you in just two words what I would have done: LOADSAMONEY.

 

 

 

Music seems like an obvious troll, because even if I have the piano under my chair, and I'm told to orchestrate it only with a clarinet and drum, it's not a piano concerto.

 

 

 

Biology seems like it would take too long. If I was going to create life I'd need a girlfriend. In order to obtain one of those I'd need 'social skills' and 'desirable traits'. 

 

 

 

Religion, I'd be able to pass that one easily. I have this one miracle where I hold out my hands, and then I put them behind my head, and all of the sudden my fingers are interlocked and cannot be separated as I take them out from behind my head. Then I put them back behind my head, and as I take them out again, they are miraculously separated again.

 

 

 

So, in final conclusion, it is likely that most of these tests will lead to gratuitous amounts of stabbing, doodles of Alan Wake as a banana, and possibly the construction of a time machine that will lead to an alternate future where the world is ruled over by Harry Enfield.

 

 

 

Instead, applicants should make the choices necessary to cause the development of a tangent universe where the choices they made in our universe have led to them already passing the exam in the tangent universe. Afterwards, they shall create a device allowing them to move into the tangent universe, switch places with their alternate self, and thus they shall be in the clan. Unfortunately the alternate version of them will have to fill out the application again. This method is definitely welcome to review and criticism by other members, as I know it will likely result in many copies of the original applicants, and their preceding alternate selves who have continued the cycle of switching places with versions of themselves who have already passed the exam.

 

 

 

There is also a high chance that in going through all of the alternate and tangent universes we will:

 

A. Have the universe implode and start back from the moment before we first created the tangent universe.

 

B. There will be a robot dinosaur version of ourselves switched into our universe somewhere down the line of constant place-switching, and this robot dinosaur version will likely take over as the dominant species.

 

C. Eventually stumble upon a universe where Alan Wake is real, and is also a banana, thus proving my ninth grade Biology teacher wrong in that I would be able to say, "Yes. It is a thing. So yes, it can be an answer."

 

D. Find a universe where TWAT rules the Earth, but realize that we've become disconnected with who we were, and ultimately re-enact the battle of Gettysburg with Nerf guns and water balloons, at which point our alternate selves will say "You didn't hit me!" and we'll say "Yuh huh!" and they'll say "Nuh uh!" so we'll get tired of it, shoot them in the face with real guns, and then take control of the Earth and become just as drunk with power as they were.

 

E. The exact same situation as D, except I will get along with my alternate self, and we'll work together to develop a civilization on Mars, as well as rewriting our genetics and bodily functions so that we can survive solely on chimichangas. 

 

 

 

This is all just speculation though, and will probably lead to many people deciding that my methods for testing are not quite as efficient or secure as others...

 

 

[Christopher 1,393]

Many of these are indeed trick questions. As it appears, some are designed to not only weed out the dumbasses, but to eliminate them altogether.

 

 

 

You've definitely given an in-depth analysis of these questions. Quite impressive.

 

 

[ZONAR 0]

you got to much time on your hands 

 

 

[Christopher 1,393]

You've got too many dicks in your hands.

 

 

[ZONAR 0]

LMAO dude don't talk about yourself like that its not healthy 

 

 

[Gilly 148]

For the extra credit. Do they need to give a supporting detail.

[Christopher 1,393]

Supporting detail, no. Question doesn't specify, so you may assume not.

 

 

[Gilly 148]

Ohh lol in school they say give supporting detail and evidence that you got your answer from.